Monthly Archives: October 2009

Witton,Woodley Yer What?


an incompatibility between two propositions that cannot both be true

I don’t like Witton Albion.This wasn’t always the case, it has something that has emerged in the past two or three years.There is something distinctly  Hyacinth Bucket about Witton’s Witton’s “>attitiude to clubs like Cables.This was first evident when Witton, riding high ten points clear at the top of the league, came to Cables in March 2008.The massed Witton fans came to Hope Street for a party, and promptly left spitting venom after a plucky Cables turned them over.The pitch was rubbish, Cables were rubbish and they wouldn’t miss playing us again the following year after they had gained promoted.Naturally enough they bottled the title run in losing out to Fleetwood on the last day of the season. This view of Witton was reinforced during our visit their in 2009.When humourless, over zealous stewards combined with off-handish staff and the expectation of turning Cables over (just a pub team don’t you know?) was noted by several Cables fans on the day.The nadir came when a steward removed a Celebrations chocolates tin that was being used as a drum by some younger Cables fans.You never know when a riot is going to break out.The steward displayed his trophy to all and sundry while escorting it to the security room, where it remained until it sobered up no doubt.Witton at the time were scrapping for their Unibond League survival, Cables were already relegated.But the Cables fans sang and shouted as if the title was on the line and encouraged the side to hold out for a 0-0 draw.In two seasons Cables had cost Witton the title and ensured they failed to get enough points to stay up.Result!

So Cables plukcking Witton out of the hat in the Presidents Cup gave us a chance to renew old friendships.Thier fans still got on my bloody nerves with their demands for Cables players to be sent off left right and centre, but Cables played well, probably as smooth as they’ve played all year.Only some Mickey Mouse defending allowing Witton to secure a 2-1 win.What the heck, it’s only the Presidents’ Cup and Witton are in the Unibond League One South.Just rejoice in that fact.


For those that were there the game at Woodley in September probably counts as one of the most disappointing of all footballing memories.Cables down to ten men go a goal up and look set for one of those ‘we’ll fight them on the beaches’ backs-to-the-wall type wins that will be talked about for years to come.Instead sloppy defending allows a poor Woodley side to claim their first league win of the season.It was a quiet, long drive home.

After the Witton performance hopes are high that Cables might nick a win in the return fixture against Woodley.But, as we’ve learned, Cables are good at turning corners and walking straight into a brick wall. The smooth passing of Tuesday had been replaced by a sort of  frantic,desperate pinball.In fact, it was almost like Cables at their worst last season.And it doesn’t get much worse than that.I’d rather have someone pluck out my eyeballs and use them for golf practice. Cables manage to grind out a 1-1 draw, poor result, poor performance.Given Cables’ rollercoaster season Chorley had better watch out next week.

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Amnesty International Joey Barton Appeal

fanzine12Please help Amnesty save people like Joey on the right. Joey earns around £50 grand a week but can’t stop acting like an utter plonker in his desperation to ruin his cushy overpaid lifestyle. First he tried stubbing out ciggys on his team mate’s eye balls in a desperate attempt to get a window cleaning round, then he took to beating up strangers in the street. Joey has had enough of the flash cars, the jet set life style and the horrors of a couple of hours training a day.

Today we are appealing to people like you to help Joey. Could you sponsor a few brain cells to help Joey out? For a small monthly fee we will ensure Joey writes to you, even if he’s in jail. He’ll have plenty of time during his suspensions to keep in touch. Please help us to help Joey, if he stops playing professional football he could end up as your neighbour.

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Wakefield- My Part In Their Downfall

“You put your right boot in! You take your right boot out! You do a lot of shouting and you shake your fists about! You light a little smokie and you burn down ze tovn! Zat’s vot it’s all about!”

Herr Flick

Away with team tactics.Cables unvieled their very own weapon of mass distraction at Wakefield.With the Wallopers a goal down we decided to deploy psychological warfare on the home side by having Cabletoffee shout very loudly in German from the back of the stand.This appeared to unsettle the Polish Wakefield keeper who couldn’t decide if he was hearing things or the Wehrmacht were on their way.Whether CT was shouting encouragement to Cables or urging for an invasion of the Sudentanland is anyone’s guess.

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There’s Only One RONNIE GLAVIN!! one Cables’ fan’s dream comes true….

Ronnie who? You may well ask, and many Cables fans did yesterday (Saturday 10th October 2009)  – That would be THE Ronnie Glavin, footballing legend of the 70s and 80s and now Manager of Wakefield FC.


Ronnie Glavin

Ronnie Glavin

OK, it’s apparent that Ronnie’s legend status didn’t make it either over Hadrian’s Wall or across the Pennines to Merseyside.  Trust me, though, the man’s a legend in both Glasgow (the green and white part) and Barnsley.

Dynamic midfield player who scored 35 goals in 104 appearances for Celtic between 74 and 79…..and he did really well at Barnsley too, but no one cares about Barnsley 😉

He may have changed a bit since his playing days, a little more girth (haven’t we all) and his mop of black hair has turned white in the years since this fan used to travel to Parkhead and worship him for his silky skills and wonderful finishing.  You can keep your flash finishing Kenny Dalglish…….next to Jinky Jimmy Johnstone, Ronnie was my hero.  It may have taken 35 years, but yesterday I finally got to meet him……not only meet him, but have him sign my Celtic shirt (I’m getting it framed and it’s going back on my bedroom wall).

We all want our heroes to be nice guys and I wasn’t disappointed.  Ronnie Glavin is a very nice guy……he put up with me being awestruck!

We may have only taken one point from that game…..but I got so much more from it than anyone.  Bring on the home tie!!  Hopefully those Cables fans who do know their history will give Ronnie a really warm Prescot welcome.

Ronnie Glavin now

Ronnie Glavin now

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Wakey Wakey!!

Cables faithful trooped across the Pennines, armed with passports, yorkshire to english translations and hearts full of hope.  We haven’t got the best record away from home, to be honest. In fact we don’t travel well……generally just finding the ground without a detour is a result for us.  Wakefield have cunningly hidden their ground in the leafy suburbs, down streets that were designed more for a pony and trap than Cables’ coach.  The instructions on getting to the ground are mildly confusing, ok, damned confusing…the only landmarks we have are Pinderfields hospital and more roundabouts than Skem!  Tricky blighters these yorkshire folk.  The hospital is a split site but the orienteering experts at the front of the coach make the right choice and we do manage to find the ground.   Well we manage to find the sports complex (complex being the operative word).  We pull up outside the car park, which has a “FULL” sign barring the way, but a great view of a bowling green and hockey pitch.  The very helpful steward advises us that the football ground is at the back of the complex and the coach has to turn round,  head to the top of the road, turn right, then right again down to the parking area for the ground.  Now, picture the scene, we are in a 52 seater coach in a suburban side street, cars parked on one side making the road negotiable only by Professor Pat Pending in his Convert-a-Car. However, our valiant coach driver does a commendable, but hair raising 3 point turn…. hair raising for those of us paying attention to the manouevre….heart stopping, blood pressure raising for those fans and players taking in the more scenic view of young ladies in short hockey skirts gracing the field to our left. 

I was more than a little impressed by our fans knowledge of the game of hockey, their comments and roars of approval were directed at the hockey players’ skills rather than their appearance, surely 😉

Shortly after negotiating more narrow streets and reversing the coach up to the football ground entrance we alight, feeling victorious.  Those pesky Wakey lot may have tried to hide the ground, but we were equal to the task.  We should have known better!  Once inside the gates, we are faced with yet another obstacle….where the hell is the pitch and the changies?  The changing rooms are on the right of the Car Park and the access to the pitch is on the left! 

The players troop down the steps to the changing rooms…..past the securely locked entrance to the Wakefield Rifle & Gun Club.  The Club Officials troop off to the right to look at the pitch and meet their Wakey counterparts.  The fans troop off to find the nearest boozer!  Err I mean the fans troop off in search of refreshments. 😉

I follow the players into the Wakefield catacombs, which double as the changing room area…a series of narrow corridors, with poor signage which explains the skeletons propped against the walls at regular intervals…..remnants of teams who never made it to the pitch, methinks.  Luckily for our lads one of the team has braved Wakey before and lived to tell the tale.  I’m left standing in the corridor directing the remaining players with a cheery “They all went that way”, hoping not to trip over any bodies of our players on my way out. 

We have successfully found the ground, the players (with maps) have located the pitch………3 points please!!  What???? after all that we still have to play a match?  OK, give us one point, forget the game and we will be happy!

*Ed – The Calland Watch moment has been censored.  Pistol Club…..nuff said!

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Cables 1 Lancaster City 2

PA020070Another day another cup, another rapid Cables exit.I can’t recall the last time Cables went beyond the first round of the FA Trophy.Last year we saved our worst performance of the season for an embarrassing home defeat by Cammell Laird,Cables were so bad you could have sent 11 random fans (ANY AGE OR SEX) out on the pitch in Cables shirts and they would have fared better.The previous season a win-less bottom of the table Frickley  came to Cables and you can guess the rest.The luck of the cup, at least in terms of the FA Trophy, has never been part of Cables season.This season we pulled Lancaster City out of the hat, certainly winnable but certainly tough too. After Tuesday’s heartening performance there’s every reason to be cautiously confident.

Within ten minutes it’s fairly obvious Cables are up against it.No sooner does a Cables player gets the ball he has three or four Lancaster players snapping at his heels.This means individual Cables players have to dribble through two or three challenges simply to have the space to pick out an available team mate. About the same time the Lancaster massive start up in the main stand. Numbered about eight they go through their back catalogue of  tuneless songs.The ones I could understand were generally aimed towards Cables, the fans and ground- ah bless- it’s like having Boston in town again. Although singing “no fans” at a match with an attendance of 200 when your own home gates aren’t much better is stretching it a bit .But I don’t think it’s anything personal, they have their songs and intend to get them sung regardless of circumstances.I mean, the guttural territorial chant of “Lancashire nah nah nah” is probably better performed at the ground of a team that doesn’t proudly carry the red rose of Lancashire on its club crest- just a thought. As the noise is on the far side of the ground I can get on with watching the game, or so I thought. Eventually I’m joined by an elderly Lancaster fan who divides his time between laughing to himself , muttering darkly under his breath and making a sort of squealing sound every time Lancaster attack.Perhaps he’s one of the massive doing a solo job on the other side of the pitch. Either way it means I eventually move back up the embankment out of earshot of the disturbing soundtrack.

Eventually Lancaster score.A schoolboy error by the Cables defence.They nearly score a couple of more while Cables are unable to string two passes together.Half time is a welcome respite. The second half is marginally better for Cables, Lancaster score again but Cables do at least have a few pops at goal.Phil Green pulls Cables back into the game with a late header and Cables almost snatch an unlikely draw as Dale Wright’s 90th minute free kick forces the Lancaster keeper into a full length save.

It turns out the Lancaster boss had Cables watched in the run up to this game.Not quite in the ‘seat-of-your-pants’ spirit of the non league game if you ask me.Ah well…back to the league and all that.

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F.A. Carlsberg Trophy

With the romance of the FA Cup a distant memory we turn our minds to the temptation of the trophy.   Our first opponents are Lancaster City who visit Hope Street tomorrow (3rd October 2009).   Cables will be eager to erase the memory of our opening game v Lancaster and the 5 – 0 drubbing.  In honour of the Trophy’s sponsors, Carslberg, we have renamed the Cables squad.

If Carlsberg did Cables……..

1.   Pouncer Paxton

2.   Psycho Sayer

3.   Menacing Morgan

4.   Mauler McIntosh

5.   Rocky Ridler

6.   Thug Tobin

7.   Fearsome Fleury

8.   Cunning Calland

9.   Mad  Mitten

10.  Ruthless Rey

11.  Courageous Cliff

12.  Gruesome Green

14.  Raving Riley

the temptation of the trophy

the temptation of the trophy

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